POTUS and FLOTUS

 

My son Aaron and I went for a budget holiday recently and one of the places we visited was Agra. Obviously we went there to see the Taj Mahal and then Agra Fort. After our return, guess who decided to also visit Agra? Yeah, you guessed right. President Donald Trump.

When I heard that he and his wife, daughter and son in law were on their way, I kept a sharp lookout for all the news about them. 

To my deep shock, I read that the Taj was being given a facelift -  some weird mud pack treatment - to rid it of pollutants.

 I had been there just a week ago - why did they not give the Taj a mudpack for my visit? I'm a citizen of India, I pay my taxes on time. Why, oh, why? I was peeved but I forgave Modi eventually because of his promise of  Aache Din Aayenge.

When Donald Trump (nickname POTUS) and his wife Melanie (FLOTUS) were getting ready to leave for India, Melanie was packing their suitcases and she goes, "Darling, what should we do to dazzle the Indians?" And POTUS promptly pulls out a yellow tie and throws it at her. 

"Put that in, babe" he bellows. Indians love yellow. They call it saffron but we know saffron is not a color, it's a #£& spice."

And in goes the yellow tie. 

Next, FLOTUS searches through her kilometre long closet and comes up with another ethnic piece, a  green n gold scarf that her mother used to wear to bonfires. "This  should do fine with my pantsuit/jumpsuit" she thinks to herself. " If I need to wipe the sweat off my face, it will come in handy and look Indian too at the same time." So in goes the green and gold scarf. 

Then she spots a cool springy dress with lotuses on it. Doesn't think twice, in it goes too. 

And so now our royal couple are on their way to India. 

In the plane, both undergo a metamorphosis - POTUS changes from red to yellow, FLOTUS changes her entire outfit and is now sporting a white jumpsuit with the GNG scarf as a belt. My question is

HOW DID SHE MANAGE THAT TRANSFORMATION IN SUCH A TINY

 WASHROOM?

Plane reaches Ahmedabad, royal dignitaries exit plane, a flash of yellow there and a karate kid here and India goes "Wah Wah". Modi welcomes POTUS with a pot-bellied hug, they drop in at Sabarmati ashram and then they proceed to Motera stadium to be awed by one lakh spectators, all Modi bhakts.

 "Namaste" says POTUS, the only Indian word he will pronounce correctly, by the way. I wonder how many time he must have practised that one word coz he sure didn't get to practice the rest of his speech. Poor Suchin Tendoolka, pity Swami Vivekamundan, screw the Chiwala. 

Fast forward to Agra now, and the royal dignitaries exit, POTUS n FLOTUS still in their ethnic outfits. They do the obvious thing, walk around a bit and then pose for that iconic picture in front of the Taj Mahal, standing by, not sitting on, the Diana bench.

 Somewhere after disembarking and that click, someone has presented them with a picture of the Taj Mahal, framed in gold.  When I saw that picture my heart fell. Such a bloody boring, uninspiring gift, Yaar. A picture! If I were giving a gift that truly represents both India and the Taj I would have given them 

A YOGA MAT 

With the Taj Mahal printed on it.

 Anyway, that's what they got and what does Agra care? All they got was some water on their streets and in the Yamuna river. But the people of Ahmedabad got a hell of a lot more. The slum- dwellers got a new wall to pee on. I bet there was celebration in the shanties and guys going "Hail Trump!  The guy who loves building walls."

And so again fast forward to Trump's final day in India. It's time for dinner at the Indian President's abode and FLOTUS is searching like crazy in their suitcases. "Damn it, I did pack the peacock coloured saree but I don't seem to find it anywhere. What shall I do?" And she starts sobbing. POTUS looks around helplessly,  then up at the humungous drapes on the windows, bubble gum pink swathes, swaying in the breeze and exclaims, "Babe, this is perfect. Indians love gaudy colours, they'll simply flip at you in this." 

So somehow, they get Ivanka to help and the sheath of pink is on Melanie's delicate body. To make it look more ethnic, Ivanka let's Mama borrow the jhumkas and jootis she, Ivanka, had picked up in Delhi that morning. Saved by the suave step-daughter cum-failed-fashion designer!! 

And that, my friends, was how Melanie Trump aurf FLOTUS, emerged from her suite at the ITC Maurya hotel to grace the finale dinner of their royal visit to India.

I can well imagine how she must have felt when she went back home, returned the scarf to her mother, burnt the lotus dress and pushed the pink gown into the deep recesses of her costume trunk to use perhaps for another  occasion, like maybe Halloween?   

As for Trump, he's still hanging on to that yellow tie because he sees it as a symbol of his ties with Modi, having managed to make him sign three agreements at least. 

Which ones, you're asking? Hey, I'm not a newspaper, ok? Go read it up for yourself.