MEN NEED TO BE NEEDED.

My husband is a dog. 

That makes me a bitch, I guess. 

Now I know animal lovers here, especially dog lovers, are gonna snarl and bark at my rude expose. "Husbands are not dogs, you animal hater. Dogs are the sweetest, loyalest, most obedient animals on the planet, and if it wasn't an insult to their female counterparts, that's what I'd call you, you human piece of crap."

Hey, hey, hold it right there. Don't get me wrong. I didn't mean to insult my second favourite animal, folks. I was using the common misnomer every one uses when talking about a loser. I take it back. My dog is testimony to the fact that husbands, my husband especially, are not dogs.

When my dog, and she's a bitch, btw, hears my footsteps on the landing to our flat and then the key in the lock, she's at the door, sniffing to see whether she should bark or whine. I hear her love sounds even before I've opened the door. Then, when I enter the house, she does this extremely hilarious dance as she waits for me to speak to her and pat her. Those who have dogs know what I'm talking about. I call it her belly dance. 

Boy, when I am greeted in this way, all my tension just melts away. This, guys, is pure love. If I could bottle it and sell it, I'd be a millionaire by now. 

So what do I do in response? I sit on the floor, propped against my diwan and await the royal treatment. She will rush to me, plonk her heavy body as close to me as she can possibly get and as I rub her back, she will look up at me coyly as if to say,"Babe, this is heaven. Gosh, you are the most beautiful girl in the world. Do it again." And, of course, I oblige.

 Why, even when my husband (now separated from me), visits once in a while, he gets the exact same attention from her. AND HE LOVES IT. I bet he would still be here with me if I had to do this whenever he came home from work or one of his bromances. 

But like I said, I'm one of the bitches. So when I hear the scrape of key against lock, I stiffen up. Godzilla's back!! And I go away to my hidey hole for 'four more shots please'.  So man enters his home, and is greeted by doggie bitch. And, like I said before, HE LOVES IT!

Men need to be needed, girls. They want physical affirmation that the lives of their wives revolve around them. Just as the Sun gives life and energy to the planets, they want us to believe that we cannot exist without them. We must orbit around them constantly. And we must be grateful for their interest in us. 

Men are achievers, performance oriented. That's why they love to go to the office. The office is their kingdom. They get to call the shots there. At the end of the day or week or month, they are rewarded. And then - they come home.

 If I had to wait at the door for my husband like his secretary does at the office, bring him his cup of coffee and basically obey every order given to me, I bet we wouldn't be separated. Maybe that's why most guys fall in love with their secretaries and cheat on their wives. The poor guy probably thinks if she's so obedient in the office, what more in a home?

But like I said I'm no secretary material. My mind and body spins in a orbit of its own and around nobody. I have needs too but are they met? NO. But this is not my topic today and I digress.

 Coming back to men, Men have massive egos. Ever see a man without a job? He'll vegetate on the couch, blaming the whole universe for his unemployment. His poor wife has to re-type his resume, send it to various employment agencies and cross her fingers. He's too busy watching some WTF, sorry, WWF.

Men cannot take criticism, girls. Rein in those words of wisdom. He knows EVERYTHING, and don't you dare tell him otherwise. He knows how's to reach his destination without your GPS - girlfriend pointing system. If he procrastinates and you have to tell him five times on five different days that the bill has to be paid, he calls it NAGGING.

 I learnt a trick rather late into my marriage. If I wanted my husband to do something, I would start a few days earlier. Husbands never do it when you tell them the first time.  Except in one specific area. Yeah, that they will oblige at the first call. "Honey, can you come unzip me?"  And honey will come with his tongue sticking out, yeah, whatever.

Have you ever seen a man praise his wife in public? If you have, lucky wife. Probably was his secretary before she became his wife. My husband is used to praising himself inside and outside the house. Like I said, men need to be needed.

Dr John Gray says men feel good when they are performing, they love to fix things and offer solutions. In the workplace that's what they do and they get rewarded by a fat paycheck, a promotion and a better looking secretary. 

But when stressed, men will retreat into their 'caves'. They vegetate. They want to be left alone to process the pain. If a couple argue, the woman talks and the man starts stressing out. Now he begins looking for an escape route. He crawls into his turtle shell and stays put till the tornado has passed over. Or he'll walk out of the house and return back as if nothing happened. 

Then he's ready to listen, but guess what, his wife is now in no mood to talk. So, as you can probably guess, there's gonna be no action for quite some time. 

Ten months ago, I threw my husband out of our home. I'd been trying for years but he never went. Now, why did I throw my husband out, you are asking? Because he went into his cave too many times. I figured since he was out of the house for the most part of the day every single day, he'd be better off being away 24*7. Off you go, so long, enjoy your walk into oblivion. Four shots please and make them apple fizzy. 

That's my time, folks. You've been a terrific audience. It's the bitch signing off. Meow.