WATER WAY TO GO

 WATER WAY TO GO! – Paradise Lost, Paradise Found.

(Scene opens on the deck of HMS 9 Entertainments. Captain Remo is seen, strutting back and forth, his medals gleaming on his breast as he checks the list in his hand. A group of men, all dressed in white are seen huddled in a corner, their pockets bulging.)

C. Remo: (Sniffing with disdain, his smart spectacles perched on the bridge of his nose) These vermin! What are they doing here?

Chief Officer: They are on the list, Sir. Caught for looting, that’s what it says in the file.

C. Remo: (reading from list) Says here that they come from a place called Paradise. Where in heavens is that?

C.O.: Why, Sir, don’t you know? It’s D spot for nirvana, for drugs, for…….

C. Remo: (dismissing this trivia with a wave of his hand) Let it go, man. Tell me why they’ve been sent to us, for Maria Pita’s sake!

C.O: (sighing) Well, the file says that they sanctioned too much Paradise to outsiders so the insiders want them out.

C. Remo:(with a loud guffaw) Want them out, eh? The ‘in’siders want them ‘out’! Well, that’s our job and we love doing our job, right?

C.O: Right sir. Dead right! (Chuckles at his own joke)

C. Remo: (Summoning a cadet) Son, take these prisoners to the galley and make them run the ship. Let’s see how well they can do that.

(Cadet mobilizes the white-clad men to the bottom of the ship and assigns them their task)

White-Clad Man 1: As I’m the leader of this party, I’ll supervise……

Cadet: You just sit down and row, you stupid moron. Prisoners don’t rule on this ship. I’ll do the supervising, you do the perspiring.

(The prisoners sit quietly, but not one lifts an oar.)

Cadet: (Impatiently) Well, what are you waiting for? A tender to be passed? Get to it and quick!

(The white-clad men pick up the oars and begin rowing frantically. The ship leaves the port, swaying like a drunkard.)

C. Remo: (screaming from above) What is happening down there? Someone’s in a hurry to flee or what? We can’t leave till we get the signal. Turn back, I say. I order you to turn this ship back to port.

(Cadet whips the prisoners and they turn the ship back to port, grumbling as they do so.)

C. Remo: (Appearing in the doorway) What are you chumps grumbling for? You didn’t make a noise when your Paradise was being raped, did you? Says here in your file – Prisoners made merry when Paradise lost her cherry.

(Suddenly a commotion is heard on deck. Captain Remo rushes up to see another group of white-clad men on deck.)

W-C Man 2: (bowing to the Captain) Sir, we would like to join your ship. We heard it’s the safest place for us to be in right now.

C. Remo: (condescendingly looking them up and down) And who might you Papadums be, pray tell me?

White-Clad Man 2: We run the most powerful game in the world. Ever heard of the IPL? We rule the IPL, Sir.

C. Remo (scratching his semi-balding pate) Yeah, Yeah, heard of it. But you don’t look like cricketers to me. You look a lot like those oafs down there in the galley.

White-Clad Man 2: (peering over Captain’s shoulders) Those worms! We don’t belong to their party, Sir. We lost Paradise to them!

C. Remo: (Losing it completely) Well, see here, all who come aboard are prisoners and will have to steer the ship from below. Get it? So now tell me, do you still want to come?

White-Clad Man 2: We will come but give us some other task. If you put us down there with that group, there will be chaos and division.

C. Remo: (thinks hard, then beams) O.K. I got it! What about scrubbing the decks and aiding with the mast? Can you wimps do that?

W-C-Man 2: (Looks around at his group, gets their silent Ayes and nods) Sir, we would be happy to clean up and set sail for you.

C. Remo: Ok, then let’s get cracking before another group decides to join us. My ship will surely sink with more of you heavyweights around.

(The port guard waves his green flag, signaling that the ship can now leave. Suddenly there is utter chaos heard in the galley. The two groups are engaged in a free-for-all, each trying to oust the other out. They kick pails of water, hit heads with mops and bottoms with oars.)

C. Remo: (Roaring above the cacophony) Stop it! Stop it at once! (An oar hits him on the head; he sees red) Dump all of them, I say. Dump the whole lot in the sea. Sink the ship. (To C.O.) I command you to sink this ship.

C.O. (Stammering) Sir, Sir, we can’t do that, Sir. Environmental regulations and all that. It could pollute the sea.

C. Remo: (Eyes bulging with rage) I don’t care, I tell you. I’ve had enough of this Harami Mantri Ship. Sink it now!

C.O: (trying to stall) Sir, another problem, sir. If you sink the ship, you will have to go down with it. Rule Numero Uno, you know.

C. Remo: Oh, my, I’d forgotten that Rule. But they must go. Forget the Eco Rule. Let’s just throw them in.

(The crew gathers around, ambush the white-clad men and dump them into the sea, where the weight of their bulging pockets aid them in sinking faster.)

C. Remo: (Gleefully rubbing his hands) And now, compadre, let’s head back for port.

C.O: (Puzzled) Why Sir?

C. Remo: Don’t you see? (Pauses for effect) With these men gone, Paradise will need a new ruler!

(Curtain falls as Captain Remo stands on deck, his face turned towards port-and Paradise)