NO PRESENTS PLEASE!

 NO PRESENTS PLEASE!

Some years ago, we received an invitation to a wedding of a close relative that ended thus: ‘No presents please!’ I gathered that the bride and groom along with their parents were saying in effect that ‘we’ were all they needed to make their celebration complete.

Recently, at a programme on child-rearing, I learnt that there are three things a child needs from conception to age seven:

1. Acknowledgement: When the child is conceived in love, it feels wanted. If the parents resent the pregnancy, the child in the womb senses this and feels abandoned.

 To acknowledge the child right from its moment of conception and to accept it as a gift from God no matter what the circumstances at the time of conception is very essential. This is difficult though when the mother has been raped or is ostracized because she is unwed. Such a woman would rather her child not live to bear the burden society puts on it. But if she understands that the child is innocent and has the right to live just as she does, she may accept it and this will give the child a sense of belonging.

When a child is born, the mother’s presence is very important right from the start. Nowadays, doctors allow the mother to suckle the newborn even before it is taken for a bath, which is a good practice because the baby has just gone through a stressful experience and needs its mother’s presence and reassurance to calm it down.

Women should consider the option of staying at home to nurture the child for the first seven years after birth. I know that most women enjoy working and, for some it is a necessity, but it is in the interest of your child that I make this appeal.

 When my eldest son was kept in a crèche so I could work, he told me one day that he hated the place because they made him sit in one place all the time and when he felt cold, he was too scared to ask for a blanket. This shook me up so much that I got my husband to adjust his office timings so our son could be at home with one parent all the time.

 Later, when we moved to Goa, I decided not to work as we had two boys and a third was on the way. Today, I can say with joy that I am happy to be a stay-at-home mother. The kids too are glad that I am there to wake them up, see them off to school and that I am at home to greet them when they return from school.

2. A listening ear: Parents are the best counsellors for their children, provided they know how to listen well. Often we hear the words that are spoken by our children and we react to them. We fail to read the non-verbal communication that is going on alongside. If parents learnt how to interpret this, a lot of the problems that they face with young children and even with teenagers could be resolved. 

Parental discipline should be administered with love, not as an assertion of one’s power over the child. Putting aside all work and looking at your child directly as he talks to you is a sign to the child that he is important in your life. Ask lots of questions if you are not sure what is being said. 

As parents, we do tend to assume a lot and understand so little. Get them to solve their own problem by carefully steering them to an appropriate choice so that they feel that the final decision made is theirs, not one imposed by you.

3. Lots of hugs: Apart from acknowledgement and a listening ear, lots of physical touch like hugs, kisses and cuddles are also important for the proper growth of your child. It is easy to cuddle a little baby, but do you cuddle and hug your seven-year-old? (Believe it or not, even my teenage son loves a hug now and then.) Hugs are the best way to say you are sorry when you’ve hurt their feelings or to say they are special when they’ve done something you approve of. A cuddle at night before they go to sleep will leave them with a sense of security as they drift off into Dreamland. 

Many parents make their small children sleep in a separate room from them. This can be very frightening for a small child, so its best to let them sleep with you until they volunteer to sleep in a separate room on their own. Allow your children to hug, kiss and cuddle you whenever they want to and see the difference it will make to you. (One night, after the rosary was over and we were blessing one another, my three-year-old daughter decided to give everyone a bonus kiss on the cheek. It really felt special.)

If spouses show love for each other in front of their children, it gives them a great sense of well-being. Just by sitting close to your spouse as you’ll watch TV together and, maybe, holding your wife around the shoulders as she snuggles into yours, tells the kids that Mum and Dad are doing OK.

Children are very sensitive to feelings and moods; they may not say it, but they sense when parents have had a fight, even if it wasn’t in their presence. So it is important to show them that you are a team after the fight has been resolved. When siblings fight, get them to make up with hugs, cuddles and kisses.

Your children are precious gifts from a gracious God; they deserve nothing but the best. Give them your acknowledgement, a listening ear and lots of hugs so that they grow, bloom and bring fragrant peace to the world around them.