FAMILIES ARE FOREVER

A friend of mine, who lives in the USA, has a daughter who is in KG class. One day, the little girl came home from school, saying she needed to take a T-shirt the next day. Her teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message onto it. Unable to find a blank one, my friend sent her off with a shirt that already had something lettered across the front. That afternoon, the daughter showed off her new T-shirt. On one side it read: ‘Families Are Forever’. And on the other side: “Be Smart, don’t Start’.
Jokes aside, let me ask you a direct question – If you had to choose from a) An interesting job. b) An independent income of Rs. 60,000. c) A happy family – Which would you choose? Do you know what husbands and wives answered when asked this question? 80% said: A Happy Family.
When a boy and girl fall in love, they seek to seal their commitment to each other in the holy bond of matrimony. A newly-wed couple needs time to get to know each other well, even if they have been in love for years before they were married. But once they are comfortable with married life and with the in-laws, it is time to have children.
Sometimes, young couples postpone children until they can afford them or if the wife wants to pursue her career so they can buy a home. “We seem to be drifting apart,” a worried husband revealed to his counselor once. His wife and he had decided before their marriage that she would continue to work until his salary was up to Rs. 40,000 a month. Six years into their marriage, he was still short of Rs. 10,000. For six years, they had said in effect: “We can live without the risk of children until we can have children without risk.”
Having children is a physical process, involving nine months of expectancy followed by the painful act of delivery. This is always borne by the wife and therefore most women would rather postpone or avoid getting pregnant. But the experience can be a spiritual one as well. When a mother holds her little baby for the first time (even if its her fifth delivery!), it is as if the Heavens have opened and an angel has been placed in her hands.
Someone said once that a baby is a ‘gift’ you give to your spouse. It is a tangible expression of the love you have for each another. As you learn to be parents, there is continuous sacrifice to be made. Friends and colleagues blur into the background as your little ones become your main focal point. You have to juggle the finances to meet their needs and, sometimes, their ‘greeds’. As they throw tantrums and test your temper, you learn that Love is a decision, not a feeling. And that it has to be UNCONDITIONAL to be true!
With your spouse as well, the relationship switches from gratifying yourself to pleasing the other. Sex for pleasure is complemented by sex for procreation and that, in itself, is a purely spiritual experience. There is a transition from living for yourself to doing things together as a couple. I always used to admired a couple who would do the family shopping together. They did not go to the market, split the grocery list and shop separately to save time. They would walk together from shop to shop, hand in hand, drawing envious looks from the women and raised eyebrows from the men. The whole family would sit together in the church, occupying an entire pew (they had five children). Once, their teenage son protested saying he wanted to sit with his pals instead. His father convinced him that they were a family and so should stay together.
It is an oft repeated argument that lack of money causes marital unhappiness. But if you check out the divorce courts, you’ll be surprised to see that rich couples are more eager to spilt. A hedonistic lifestyle may be one reason; another could be the immoral irresponsibility that some of them freely indulge in. When a married man or woman puts “ME” before “WE”, extra-marital affairs and a ‘singles’ lifestyle will surely abound.
Having a child is the final and strongest pledge of a couple’s love for each other. Sometimes, a child could be the reason for couples, on the brink of a marital breakdown, to reconsider and get counseling to save the marriage. A child should never be sacrificed for other needs like a career or a fat bank balance. It is better to stay unmarried if you wish to amass wealth or fly high in your career. Once you get married, your children are a testimony that your marriage is a complete one. For those who cannot have children for medical reasons, adoption is one solution. Sometimes after adopting a child, couples have been blessed with children of their own.
Marital life is a continuous struggle; one has to balance at the fulcrum while making both ends meet. Children can seem a burden at times especially when one has to manage home and work at the office. And nowadays the nuclear family system makes that even more difficult. Children have to be kept with inept Ayahs or in questionable crèches, and both are expensive options. So couples think several times before trying for a second child, let alone a third or a fourth.
There is no substitute for mother’s love, of course, so women could perhaps consider opting for a career as a ‘homemaker’ instead of working outside the home. There are many ways of using one’s talents and educational qualifications; an enterprising woman can start an entrepreneurship right there in the home itself. I am a stay-at-home Mom who writes. This gives me scope to use my talents to earn a little to supplement the household income and still look after my four kids.
Quality time can never substitute for a 24*7 Mom at home. My mother worked and I hated the maid who looked after me. I often remember pleading with my Mom to leave her job and be at home with me. A job does give women freedom and self-esteem but when it comes to children, they need the continuing warmth of a mother who bore them in her womb for nine months. At least for the first five years.
I think it is time that organizations in India rethink their policies on working mothers, especially those with tiny tots, and reshape them to the advantage of the women and their children. The working woman is here to stay and it is time that conditions are made feasible for her to look after her children while working from the home. After all, if they can do it in Japan, why not here?
It is said ‘A happy family is but an earthly Heaven’. Families are forever. Let us uphold the dignity of the family by choosing to nurture our children well, looking after their mental, psychological and spiritual needs first. A fancy car, a posh bungalow, a banknote-feathered mattress can never replace the warm, tender caresses of chubby fingers or the sweet cherubic glow of a child’s countenance. I cherish every moment of love I experience when my little ones nestle close to my heart as I sing a lullaby to them each night. May that joy be yours too. (1,241 words)