Kirsten my "waiter" son.

Monday, February 28, 2011

HOW TO GET FAT IN 10 DAYS

My mirror cracked! “Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, tell me who is the fattest of all?” Yeah, that’s exactly when my mirror let out a huge chuckle and cracked up.
I have been battling with my senseless senses for as long as I can remember. My mind tells my body “Control”. My body tells my tongue, “Not another binge.” My heart tells my mind “I’m so miserable.” My mind tells my hands, “Just a nibble, a small bite.” But from that one delicious tempting bite, it becomes a mega-bite and then a giga-bite till my stomach protests “Time to quit” and I make my way to the throne to download. Turmoil over, I vow never to over-indulge anymore - a promise that only I and my country’s politicians can keep.
Actually,it’s really easy to get fat. You just need to find an excuse to stuff yourself with all the forbidden foods not likely to be in the beauty pageant’s a la carte. (Don’t some of those beauties look like the swivel sticks in cocktail glasses?)
So here’s my recipe of the perfect diet for those who want to ‘Get Fat in 10 Days.’
• Wake up in the morning to a fully loaded breakfast of butter paranthas, milk straight from the cow, followed by an hour in front of the idiot box, crunching salt-smothered wafers that are chock full of calories.
• For lunch, a mountain of white rice drowned in coconut curry, fried fish/chicken if you are not a veggie, paneer tikkas if you are, followed by a huge bowl of ice-cream or pudding. If you have place left in your tummy, a second serving of dessert is advised. Or even a third and a fourth. Feel free.
• An afternoon nap is a must to avoid any exertion after heavy meals.
• Wake up in time for a scrumptious tea accompanied by oily pakodas or oily bhajias or oily pancakes. Oil, butter, ghee; these are the only tools to quick weight gain, supplemented by lack of exercise, of course.
• Dinner should be taken just before going to sleep so all the calories gained can be put to good use to increase the fat in your body. Have a blast! Going to a trendy restaurant will enhance your chances of adding more weight. They do the ‘oil thing’ with style. A late night movie especially a long-winded Hindi melodrama will also give you sufficient time to dig into a wholesome tetrapack of butterscotch ice-cream, emptying it right down to the bottom. Or you could finish that huge box of chocolate Aunty Anita sent you from the States, what do you think?
• In between these four main meals, be sure to throw in many mini-meals of oily snacks, chocolates or anything your mother or teacher says is unhealthy for you.
• Try alcohol if you are the adventurous type: beer has been bad-mouthed as the drink for ‘waisters’.
If you follow this diet for 10 days in a row without throwing up or flushing down, you are set for life, let me tell you, because once you put on those extra kilos it is impossible to get them off. Ask my mirror, if you don’t believe me.
A friend of mine wanted me to enroll in an aerobics class. “No way!” I exclaimed, “I tried that once.” “What happened?” she asked, looking puzzled.
“I went, and I twisted, hopped, jumped, stretched and pulled.” I replied. “And by the time I got those darn leotards on, the class was over!”
Fed up with her obesity, a colleague of mine decided to join the gym. She told me she was having a great time but I could not see any significant change in her weight even after a month. So I asked her what she had gained in those 30 days. She slyly disclosed to me that she was going there to flirt with the trainer. “No gym. Just him,” she quipped. Eventually, she did get down to business and lost 4 kilos in 4 years and one husband in a heartbeat.
Being obese is much like carrying two fully packed suitcases with you all day long. The only time you get to put them down is when you are six feet deep. Plus the tremendous pressure on your lungs and heart is awesome. When I climb a flight of stairs, I palpitate as if I have just beaten PT Usha at the Olympics. I huff and puff like the Big Bad Wolf when I make my way up the slope to pick my son from school. My triple chins sit comfortably on my buxom chest; my ‘perpetually pregnant’ paunch completely overshadows my feet. My upper arms jiggle when I do the Birdie Dance; if I liposuction that area, I could fuel an entire city for a day. I fear that the pall-bearers will go on strike when they are commissioned to carry my rotting body to its final resting place. Only the maggots will have a feast, gorging on my voluptuous body and will most certainly ‘Get Fat in 10 days’.
So all you XXXL people out there, I waddle off with famous last words to you “A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you are in front of the fridge” To those who want to reduce, shun all the fun foods that cause your salivary glands to go into overdrive and exercise insanely. To the ultra-slim cocktail stirrers, I have just four words “Get Fat in 10 Days.”

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